Plans (11/23/22)

OK. I'm the one who always refuses to make plans. I say that a to-do list becomes a failure list at the end of the day. Posting a list for other people to see just means that more people will get to see what a failure I am. (Yes, I totally relate to Dean Winchester, why do you ask?)

That aside, I'm going to take the chance and post a to-do list. Not a list of things I have to do, but rather things that I can do. Things I would like to do. I'm thinking that my natural contrariness makes a to-do list something that I want to push back against. Hey, I never claimed to be sane.

So, keeping in mind that this is purely an experiment, here is my list for tomorrow:

• Get up at 6:30, to make muffins for the family -- this would have to be put off until Saturday if I don't do it tomorrow. (Note how I am already planning on not doing this!)

• Work on Burlap & Daisies web pages, getting the pictures and descriptions up for the items we have finished. This doesn't have to be clever or perfect but it does need to get done!

• Work on completing the first post for Burlap & Daisies. This would be a general "about us" post, with a little intro. It should be the post that we send people to in order to get some lowdown on Burlap & Daisies. This doesn't have to perfect because it can always be modified to make more sense, but it should get done.

• Start list for FAQ. What questions do you think you need to have answers for and that you can put up. Just a handwritten list would work, this could be done with Myr over lunch.

• Make a list of ideas for posts. Start thinking about making a post every other or every third day. This could also be a handwritten list done with Myr over lunch.

• Go with Myr to see what she needs to do for her next semester of classes This can't be put off!!! Why is it that Myr can be more responsible than you?

• Call about Ned's for Myr. Have them sent to Walgreens or Walmart because they should be the cheapest. Make inquiries about not having insurance. This may be expensive but Myr needs her mess!!!

• Go to First Street and play a games with Wil after Myr is done with school. Wil really needs to play with us!!! We could do a game at home, but I don't know what Mom's schedule is like and she may be coming over. I really hate the thought that Wil is losing in a popularity contest between him and my mom. All this baking stuff is a little hard on him, I think.

That is so much more than enough. Keeping in mind that I seem to be passive-aggressive even in dealing with myself I will need to find a way to make this work.

Wish me luck...

Lost

I realize that 5:30 in the morning is a bad time to be thinking of such things but I really can't sleep right now and thinking is all I can do.

I don't see how we can make it right now. I keep having faith that there is something out there for me but there have been so many things that have seemed so perfect and I just don't get any of them.

Please, God, give me a sign that I am doing the right thing. That there is a place for me in this world, one where I can make my own way and stand one my own.

But I don't wanna....

They keep complimenting me on my professionalism.

I don't wanna be professional. I want to yell and scream and kick my feet like a three-year-old.

The massive unfairness of it all irks me. And I know, I'm always the one going "Life isn't meant to be fair" but I just wish it wouldn't be so damnably unfair.

It keeps running through my head that others have it worse than I do. And that's undeniable. It was just a couple of weeks ago that I said that I was lucky that all I had to worry about was money. Heh. Two days before they told me I was to be laid off.

No irony there, Lord, huh?

I realize that I did it wrong. I could have called in sick once a month. Worked less hard at trying to find new things to do and new ways to do the work. Cared less about the programs and the people here.

But there was work and I felt fine, how could I call in? The new ideas and programs were so very fun and beneficial how could I not do them. It was so perfect, how could I not care?

It just feels so... cheap and wrong. All that work, all that effort and no one will carry it on. So many opportunities -- opportunities to help people and provide needed services -- will be lost in this change.

It's not so much about losing my employment (but please, I do need to be earning money, God), as it is about losing this job.

You know it really doesn't matter how often people say that it's good and wonderful, that I am valued and valuable, when in the end it is all just thrown away. The platitudes just make me that more sad.

If only I could be unprofessional, I'd let them all know that, too.

Dear God

I'm fighting hard to stay positive here, God.

Not working real well right now. Weeping at work is not really an acceptable practice.

You'd think that having everyone around me being supportive and agreeing that I'm getting the shaft would make me feel better, but instead I'm overwhelmed.

I spend all this time detailing what I do, everyone agreeing that my contribution is invaluable and what happens -- it's makes no difference at all. That's so much crap.

I thought that this job was it -- so perfect, people I love and who love me, the work that uses all my skills. And now that's gone.

It's more than the money here, Lord (although I'd appreciate the help in that department, too). It's about me. I felt needed, appreciated and I made a contribution toward doing good. And now... It doesn't matter. All of those things are true and it doesn't matter.

Damn.

I really need to be able to handle this without weeping, 'cuz that's so not good.

I'm keeping faith, really I am. I just... am a little lost right now.

I am, yours in hope,

Partly

Blogs, blogs, everywhere....

Blogs, blogs, everywhere and still no place to write.

I’m a writer. I want to be an author. I’ve been dabbling in this whole writing thing for more years than I care to admit. I’ve never buckled down and worked at it hard enough to see if I can actually get anywhere with it.

This blog is my attempt to meet my writing goals and share some thoughts on what I working one and thinking about.

I’ll talk about things close to my heart: writing, faith and life in general. Oh, I’ll also obsess over what every my current love – usually television, movie or fiction related.

Feel free to chat back!