But I don't wanna....

They keep complimenting me on my professionalism.

I don't wanna be professional. I want to yell and scream and kick my feet like a three-year-old.

The massive unfairness of it all irks me. And I know, I'm always the one going "Life isn't meant to be fair" but I just wish it wouldn't be so damnably unfair.

It keeps running through my head that others have it worse than I do. And that's undeniable. It was just a couple of weeks ago that I said that I was lucky that all I had to worry about was money. Heh. Two days before they told me I was to be laid off.

No irony there, Lord, huh?

I realize that I did it wrong. I could have called in sick once a month. Worked less hard at trying to find new things to do and new ways to do the work. Cared less about the programs and the people here.

But there was work and I felt fine, how could I call in? The new ideas and programs were so very fun and beneficial how could I not do them. It was so perfect, how could I not care?

It just feels so... cheap and wrong. All that work, all that effort and no one will carry it on. So many opportunities -- opportunities to help people and provide needed services -- will be lost in this change.

It's not so much about losing my employment (but please, I do need to be earning money, God), as it is about losing this job.

You know it really doesn't matter how often people say that it's good and wonderful, that I am valued and valuable, when in the end it is all just thrown away. The platitudes just make me that more sad.

If only I could be unprofessional, I'd let them all know that, too.