False Hope

I really wish people wouldn't ask what I'd like to watch when they don't really want to watch what I suggest.


It's hurts less not to be asked, then to find out that they really don't care.


It's not that I don't enjoy what they want to watch.  I do.  Wil always watches interesting things... things I like.  


What I would like -- what I would really LOVE -- is if I could share what I like, what I enjoy, what I LOVE, and have those I share my life with enjoy it also.


But I realize that's not going to happen.  My interests are not sharable, I guess.  I should be happy that they want to share what they love with me -- and I am, really I am.  But I always feel as if I don't quite measure up, that I have to always work on being better and to learn what to like to be part of their lives, to be what I need to be.


I am sad all the time, lately.  Not oppressively sad, not depressively sad, but sad.  I can work through it, and keep smiling and not let the sadness show.  It's little things like this that makes it hard to hide that sad.


Not asking what I want to watch and just telling me what we are going to watch... it's just less sad, that's all.

So goes (my) life...

How is it that the day can seem so good and so hopeful and then spin out and crash so damn fast?  It's barely 10:30 and it's as bleak as the night can get.

I should just keep my mouth shut.  I don't know why I keep doing these stupid things.  I should just *do* what I need to and stop feeling so sorry for myself.  I can do it, I know I can.  And if I can't it's better if I just don't because asking others just makes them upset.

I always manage to lie to myself just enough to forget exactly how tenuous my life is right now, how much I depend on the good will of others to get me though.  I have no bargaining position, I have to built up good will out there, I have nothing to offer.  Except maybe that I can make myself as little a burdon as possible.

I just need to be grateful for what I have and remember not to burden those around me with my petty weaknesses.  Instead of asking those around me to do that which I am to lazy to do, I should just do it myself because reminding those around me just how little I have have to contribute is a really stupid move.

Uncertain Minds

I find that the nights are the hardest for me. Not that that's surprising, I suppose. Being tired makes it hard to focus on the positive. Still, I'm finding myself completely at a loss at how to deal with this feeling. While I do feel better in the morning, I find that I carry more and more of this hopelessness with me each time I wake up. I have great plans but every time I am unable to follow through with them I makes it harder and harder to stay positive.

I wish I could feel that I am contributing to forward progress instead of being the dead weight that is going to drag everyone down.

Mom was feeling down today. She really thought the dog treats were going to sell better. So did I, for that matter. However, I know that not having the blog up-to-date is probably the reason for that.

Okay. Stop whining. Plan for tomorrow:

Up before Wil is home and work on blog. Since I have it in my power to BE productive and to FEEL productive, let me take that step. I will check in in the AM.