Looking for the path

Wil just asked "How are you?" and I said "I'm doing good".

Actual truth: I'm very, very far from good.  I'm panicky and worried and have no real idea how we will ever manage to make it all work.

I keep thinking "If I walk as if the path is there, it will appear".  I fear that I'm walking off a cliff, though.  And fear that I'm going to take all those I love with me.

Don't mind me, I'll just sit here and quietly panic.

And I'll keep walking.  Because the path will appear.  It has to.

Plans Report (11/23/11) - edited

Completed today:

• I did get dishes done and the kitchen clean. 
• And I paid the cell bill.
• Myr to class on time -- plus she got breakfast and coffee!
• At Starbucks, working on blogs!
• Paid for Myr's school and trip.  YAY!
• Burlap & Daisies product pages -- started.  This is good.  I should have noted that I didn't expect to get them done as I don't have them all baked or pictures of them all.
• Burlap & Daisies first post -- started, not completed.  Will need to work on it more tomorrow.
• Burlap & Daisies FAQ started.  Good ideas down.
• Burlap & Daisies list of ideas started.  Did over lunch. YAY
• Went to First Street and played games.  Fun.

Not completed today:

• The muffins didn't happen.  I should have been more realistic when contemplating this, as 6:30 would not be early enough for kitchen cleaning and muffin baking without making Myr late.  And since I finished posting/thinking about things around midnight and I was near dead, getting up at 5:30/6:00 was a little overambitious... possibly even foolish.
• Didn't call for Meds. Completely spaced.

Not too bad.  I may have to modify my to-do lists a bit to make it either more realistic or less strict.    But... all-in-all good.

Plans (11/23/22)

OK. I'm the one who always refuses to make plans. I say that a to-do list becomes a failure list at the end of the day. Posting a list for other people to see just means that more people will get to see what a failure I am. (Yes, I totally relate to Dean Winchester, why do you ask?)

That aside, I'm going to take the chance and post a to-do list. Not a list of things I have to do, but rather things that I can do. Things I would like to do. I'm thinking that my natural contrariness makes a to-do list something that I want to push back against. Hey, I never claimed to be sane.

So, keeping in mind that this is purely an experiment, here is my list for tomorrow:

• Get up at 6:30, to make muffins for the family -- this would have to be put off until Saturday if I don't do it tomorrow. (Note how I am already planning on not doing this!)

• Work on Burlap & Daisies web pages, getting the pictures and descriptions up for the items we have finished. This doesn't have to be clever or perfect but it does need to get done!

• Work on completing the first post for Burlap & Daisies. This would be a general "about us" post, with a little intro. It should be the post that we send people to in order to get some lowdown on Burlap & Daisies. This doesn't have to perfect because it can always be modified to make more sense, but it should get done.

• Start list for FAQ. What questions do you think you need to have answers for and that you can put up. Just a handwritten list would work, this could be done with Myr over lunch.

• Make a list of ideas for posts. Start thinking about making a post every other or every third day. This could also be a handwritten list done with Myr over lunch.

• Go with Myr to see what she needs to do for her next semester of classes This can't be put off!!! Why is it that Myr can be more responsible than you?

• Call about Ned's for Myr. Have them sent to Walgreens or Walmart because they should be the cheapest. Make inquiries about not having insurance. This may be expensive but Myr needs her mess!!!

• Go to First Street and play a games with Wil after Myr is done with school. Wil really needs to play with us!!! We could do a game at home, but I don't know what Mom's schedule is like and she may be coming over. I really hate the thought that Wil is losing in a popularity contest between him and my mom. All this baking stuff is a little hard on him, I think.

That is so much more than enough. Keeping in mind that I seem to be passive-aggressive even in dealing with myself I will need to find a way to make this work.

Wish me luck...

Lost

I realize that 5:30 in the morning is a bad time to be thinking of such things but I really can't sleep right now and thinking is all I can do.

I don't see how we can make it right now. I keep having faith that there is something out there for me but there have been so many things that have seemed so perfect and I just don't get any of them.

Please, God, give me a sign that I am doing the right thing. That there is a place for me in this world, one where I can make my own way and stand one my own.