The Expectation of Privacy...

I find the recent controversy surrounding the Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell and the taping of his campaign office interesting.  He's having the FBI investigate it as a "Watergate Style" wiretapping and all the news wants to talk about is what was said in the office.  Now, quite frankly I find that what was talked about to be really very mild and tame compared to what I hear people talk about every day in private conversations concerning people who's political views they don't like. Hell, it's tamer than most of the stuff talked about online! I mean, all of the topics they touched on are open fodder on the net and in political conversations, so I'm not exactly sure why so many people are making hay with it -- except that they can make hay with it.

False Hope

I really wish people wouldn't ask what I'd like to watch when they don't really want to watch what I suggest.


It's hurts less not to be asked, then to find out that they really don't care.


It's not that I don't enjoy what they want to watch.  I do.  Wil always watches interesting things... things I like.  


What I would like -- what I would really LOVE -- is if I could share what I like, what I enjoy, what I LOVE, and have those I share my life with enjoy it also.


But I realize that's not going to happen.  My interests are not sharable, I guess.  I should be happy that they want to share what they love with me -- and I am, really I am.  But I always feel as if I don't quite measure up, that I have to always work on being better and to learn what to like to be part of their lives, to be what I need to be.


I am sad all the time, lately.  Not oppressively sad, not depressively sad, but sad.  I can work through it, and keep smiling and not let the sadness show.  It's little things like this that makes it hard to hide that sad.


Not asking what I want to watch and just telling me what we are going to watch... it's just less sad, that's all.

So goes (my) life...

How is it that the day can seem so good and so hopeful and then spin out and crash so damn fast?  It's barely 10:30 and it's as bleak as the night can get.

I should just keep my mouth shut.  I don't know why I keep doing these stupid things.  I should just *do* what I need to and stop feeling so sorry for myself.  I can do it, I know I can.  And if I can't it's better if I just don't because asking others just makes them upset.

I always manage to lie to myself just enough to forget exactly how tenuous my life is right now, how much I depend on the good will of others to get me though.  I have no bargaining position, I have to built up good will out there, I have nothing to offer.  Except maybe that I can make myself as little a burdon as possible.

I just need to be grateful for what I have and remember not to burden those around me with my petty weaknesses.  Instead of asking those around me to do that which I am to lazy to do, I should just do it myself because reminding those around me just how little I have have to contribute is a really stupid move.

Uncertain Minds

I find that the nights are the hardest for me. Not that that's surprising, I suppose. Being tired makes it hard to focus on the positive. Still, I'm finding myself completely at a loss at how to deal with this feeling. While I do feel better in the morning, I find that I carry more and more of this hopelessness with me each time I wake up. I have great plans but every time I am unable to follow through with them I makes it harder and harder to stay positive.

I wish I could feel that I am contributing to forward progress instead of being the dead weight that is going to drag everyone down.

Mom was feeling down today. She really thought the dog treats were going to sell better. So did I, for that matter. However, I know that not having the blog up-to-date is probably the reason for that.

Okay. Stop whining. Plan for tomorrow:

Up before Wil is home and work on blog. Since I have it in my power to BE productive and to FEEL productive, let me take that step. I will check in in the AM.

Looking for the path

Wil just asked "How are you?" and I said "I'm doing good".

Actual truth: I'm very, very far from good.  I'm panicky and worried and have no real idea how we will ever manage to make it all work.

I keep thinking "If I walk as if the path is there, it will appear".  I fear that I'm walking off a cliff, though.  And fear that I'm going to take all those I love with me.

Don't mind me, I'll just sit here and quietly panic.

And I'll keep walking.  Because the path will appear.  It has to.

Plans Report (11/23/11) - edited

Completed today:

• I did get dishes done and the kitchen clean. 
• And I paid the cell bill.
• Myr to class on time -- plus she got breakfast and coffee!
• At Starbucks, working on blogs!
• Paid for Myr's school and trip.  YAY!
• Burlap & Daisies product pages -- started.  This is good.  I should have noted that I didn't expect to get them done as I don't have them all baked or pictures of them all.
• Burlap & Daisies first post -- started, not completed.  Will need to work on it more tomorrow.
• Burlap & Daisies FAQ started.  Good ideas down.
• Burlap & Daisies list of ideas started.  Did over lunch. YAY
• Went to First Street and played games.  Fun.

Not completed today:

• The muffins didn't happen.  I should have been more realistic when contemplating this, as 6:30 would not be early enough for kitchen cleaning and muffin baking without making Myr late.  And since I finished posting/thinking about things around midnight and I was near dead, getting up at 5:30/6:00 was a little overambitious... possibly even foolish.
• Didn't call for Meds. Completely spaced.

Not too bad.  I may have to modify my to-do lists a bit to make it either more realistic or less strict.    But... all-in-all good.

Plans (11/23/22)

OK. I'm the one who always refuses to make plans. I say that a to-do list becomes a failure list at the end of the day. Posting a list for other people to see just means that more people will get to see what a failure I am. (Yes, I totally relate to Dean Winchester, why do you ask?)

That aside, I'm going to take the chance and post a to-do list. Not a list of things I have to do, but rather things that I can do. Things I would like to do. I'm thinking that my natural contrariness makes a to-do list something that I want to push back against. Hey, I never claimed to be sane.

So, keeping in mind that this is purely an experiment, here is my list for tomorrow:

• Get up at 6:30, to make muffins for the family -- this would have to be put off until Saturday if I don't do it tomorrow. (Note how I am already planning on not doing this!)

• Work on Burlap & Daisies web pages, getting the pictures and descriptions up for the items we have finished. This doesn't have to be clever or perfect but it does need to get done!

• Work on completing the first post for Burlap & Daisies. This would be a general "about us" post, with a little intro. It should be the post that we send people to in order to get some lowdown on Burlap & Daisies. This doesn't have to perfect because it can always be modified to make more sense, but it should get done.

• Start list for FAQ. What questions do you think you need to have answers for and that you can put up. Just a handwritten list would work, this could be done with Myr over lunch.

• Make a list of ideas for posts. Start thinking about making a post every other or every third day. This could also be a handwritten list done with Myr over lunch.

• Go with Myr to see what she needs to do for her next semester of classes This can't be put off!!! Why is it that Myr can be more responsible than you?

• Call about Ned's for Myr. Have them sent to Walgreens or Walmart because they should be the cheapest. Make inquiries about not having insurance. This may be expensive but Myr needs her mess!!!

• Go to First Street and play a games with Wil after Myr is done with school. Wil really needs to play with us!!! We could do a game at home, but I don't know what Mom's schedule is like and she may be coming over. I really hate the thought that Wil is losing in a popularity contest between him and my mom. All this baking stuff is a little hard on him, I think.

That is so much more than enough. Keeping in mind that I seem to be passive-aggressive even in dealing with myself I will need to find a way to make this work.

Wish me luck...

Lost

I realize that 5:30 in the morning is a bad time to be thinking of such things but I really can't sleep right now and thinking is all I can do.

I don't see how we can make it right now. I keep having faith that there is something out there for me but there have been so many things that have seemed so perfect and I just don't get any of them.

Please, God, give me a sign that I am doing the right thing. That there is a place for me in this world, one where I can make my own way and stand one my own.

But I don't wanna....

They keep complimenting me on my professionalism.

I don't wanna be professional. I want to yell and scream and kick my feet like a three-year-old.

The massive unfairness of it all irks me. And I know, I'm always the one going "Life isn't meant to be fair" but I just wish it wouldn't be so damnably unfair.

It keeps running through my head that others have it worse than I do. And that's undeniable. It was just a couple of weeks ago that I said that I was lucky that all I had to worry about was money. Heh. Two days before they told me I was to be laid off.

No irony there, Lord, huh?

I realize that I did it wrong. I could have called in sick once a month. Worked less hard at trying to find new things to do and new ways to do the work. Cared less about the programs and the people here.

But there was work and I felt fine, how could I call in? The new ideas and programs were so very fun and beneficial how could I not do them. It was so perfect, how could I not care?

It just feels so... cheap and wrong. All that work, all that effort and no one will carry it on. So many opportunities -- opportunities to help people and provide needed services -- will be lost in this change.

It's not so much about losing my employment (but please, I do need to be earning money, God), as it is about losing this job.

You know it really doesn't matter how often people say that it's good and wonderful, that I am valued and valuable, when in the end it is all just thrown away. The platitudes just make me that more sad.

If only I could be unprofessional, I'd let them all know that, too.

Dear God

I'm fighting hard to stay positive here, God.

Not working real well right now. Weeping at work is not really an acceptable practice.

You'd think that having everyone around me being supportive and agreeing that I'm getting the shaft would make me feel better, but instead I'm overwhelmed.

I spend all this time detailing what I do, everyone agreeing that my contribution is invaluable and what happens -- it's makes no difference at all. That's so much crap.

I thought that this job was it -- so perfect, people I love and who love me, the work that uses all my skills. And now that's gone.

It's more than the money here, Lord (although I'd appreciate the help in that department, too). It's about me. I felt needed, appreciated and I made a contribution toward doing good. And now... It doesn't matter. All of those things are true and it doesn't matter.

Damn.

I really need to be able to handle this without weeping, 'cuz that's so not good.

I'm keeping faith, really I am. I just... am a little lost right now.

I am, yours in hope,

Partly

Blogs, blogs, everywhere....

Blogs, blogs, everywhere and still no place to write.

I’m a writer. I want to be an author. I’ve been dabbling in this whole writing thing for more years than I care to admit. I’ve never buckled down and worked at it hard enough to see if I can actually get anywhere with it.

This blog is my attempt to meet my writing goals and share some thoughts on what I working one and thinking about.

I’ll talk about things close to my heart: writing, faith and life in general. Oh, I’ll also obsess over what every my current love – usually television, movie or fiction related.

Feel free to chat back!